I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
