she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
