the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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