6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
