girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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