proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry about my life...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
