a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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