You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
