just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
did i walk over a car last night?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
