Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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