The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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