Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
