She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
