She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize