It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
