hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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