God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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