It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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