i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We're too hungover to prance.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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