My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
