i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
