When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
