How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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