if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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