It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
