gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
