I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
