my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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