So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just invented taco cereal.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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