The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
