You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
