remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
