I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
