There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
