he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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