It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
