the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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