someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
