i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
