he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
