theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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