Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We named our party play list daddy issues
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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