Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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