apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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