Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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