Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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