1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
