incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
