o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
