Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
