I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
