A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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