when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
