is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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