WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
