when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
