I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
