Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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