I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
