Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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