saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
