i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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